BDSM is so prevalent in our culture, yet it’s still considered to be “alternative” or a kink. Think of all the ways it shows up – Rhianna’s S&M music video, 50 Shades of Grey… it’s everywhere! And yet, it’s still misunderstood and misinterpreted by the general population. So lame. But, most things about sex are misunderstood because we don’t get good education about sex. See, BDSM is more common than you probably think — one study found 47% of participants had participated in at least one BDSM activity. Another 2014 study found that 65% of female participants and 53% of male participants have fantasized about being sexually dominated — and that most of the male participants (60%) and nearly half of female participants (47%) have fantasized about sexually dominating someone else.

This blog is meant to give you some of the basics (including definitions), an example of a “starter kit,” and provide you with some resources if you want to continue expanding your knowledge.

What Is BDSM?

First things first, what is BDSM? BDSM stands for bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), and sadism and masochism (S&M).

The term kink, in reference to sex, refers to using “non-conventional” sexual, sensual, or intimate practices, concepts, or fantasies. BDSM is one form of kink. It’s a little funny because what is “conventional” is so subjective. For some people, anything besides missionary PIV sex after marriage is non-conventional, and for others, convention means nothing. 

“Kinky folks [often] create and build intimacy through power exchange and/or sadism and masochism. We’re all aiming for the same goal — human connection — we just go about it in different ways,” says Cory Bush, a sex-positive educator and relationship coach.

I want to be VERY clear about something I’ve heard out and about, especially when I’m teaching… BDSM is not abuse. “Abuse is a non-consensual power exchange in which the person being abused has no power to change the nature of or leave the relationship. It is based on control that was nonconsensually taken, whereas BDSM is based on control that is consensually gifted for a negotiated period of time,” Bush told me.

Another definition of BDSM I love is from Ruth Neustifter, Ph.D., an associate professor of couples and family therapy at the University of Guelph in Ontario, Canada. She defines BDSM as “a wide, expansive area of sexual and/or sensual play that ranges in intensity and complexity. It’s a collection of ways to explore intimacy, vulnerability, communication, ourselves, and our partners. Much like being playful, it’s designed to help us try different and creative ways of being ourselves (or being someone else) and being with each other.”

There are THREE parts to any BDSM interaction:

5 BDSM Terms You Need to Know

Scene

A scene is a previously negotiated, planned, consented to, & communicated BDSM event. Think of it in acting terms – there is a beginning, middle, and end, and everyone involved knows what to expect. There is a lot of planning when setting up a scene because you want to negotiate and talk about everything before starting the scene. Then, all parties can be truly present. 

Safeword

Setting up a safe word before starting a scene (or entering into any type of sexual container.) A safe word is important for a lot of reasons – the main one being that scenes can be very intense. I don’t necessarily mean intense in a painful way (although that’s possible) – BDSM brings up a lot of old stuff and can be very healing –, AND it can bring up tears and/or an overwhelming amount of information. Not to mention, you’re trying something that involves power exchange and if at any point either person wants or needs to ‘tap out,’ it’s much easier to say “elephant,” than “hey can you please stop” when you’re IN IT. Having a safe word allows everyone involved to feel safe, knowing that if anything ever goes too far, they will always have a way to end the scene. Note: I recommend having a green/yellow/red system AND a safe word so that there are two ways to stop and two ways to keep going. (Ex: Yellow means “I’m close to this being too much, but it’s good right now.”)

Top and Bottom

The term “top” can be used in various ways – but in terms of BDSM, the top is usually the human in the giving/Dominant/penetrative role. Meaning they are the ones who apply stimulation to another and (in a previously consented-to conversation) guide their “bottom” through the scene they’ve set up.

Similarly, the word bottom has different meanings in different contexts, but in BDSM, a bottom is usually on the submissive side of the scene. Again, this is usually, not always. Generally, in a scene, it’s the bottom’s job to appease the tops (once again, all of this is consented to ahead of time, and safe words are ready and available). Some use these words interchangeably with Dominant and submissive, while others don’t and use them very differently, so make sure you’re clear when using these terms.

Aftercare

This is a practice that’s also great for all sex (like having a safeword), but because BDSM can be intense, it’s important to prioritize and check in on each other after a scene. Aftercare is the intentional time after a scene when the people involved do what they need to do to take care of any wounds, and complicated emotions, get grounded, and ‘come down.’ This can look like snacking, snuggling, applying ice packs, talking, taking some time to yourself, smoking a joint, or eating a big snack — it will be different and specific for everyone. It may change depending on what took place inside your BDSM container. It’s important to note that aftercare isn’t an option or suggestion— it’s a must. (And I don’t have a lot of musts). Also, remember that aftercare isn’t necessary for bottoms or submissives — a scene can be just as emotionally intense for doms.

In a healthy BDSM dynamic, pre-scene consultation or negotiation, a safeword, and aftercare are all in place.

Trauma Healing, Mental Health, and BDSM

One of the really wonderful possibilities of BDSM is its ability, within a safe, trusting environment, to help heal past traumas. Our bodies hold trauma inside (Read: The Body Keeps Score), and sometimes the best way to let it out is to rewrite trauma with positive and empowering sexual encounters. 

If you’re interested in healing trauma through a scene or a power dynamic, learn first (see resources below) and find someone with experience in BDSM. Plus, when you’re IN it, please be aware of your body, noticing sensations and trying to ensure that you don’t dissociate— and don’t forget your safe word!

In addition to healing trauma, BDSM can be beneficial while working to reclaim power in your life. While some argue that you can’t be a submissive and a feminist, Bush argues the opposite: “I would argue that you MUST be a feminist and realize the power you hold within yourself in order to give it to someone else.”

BDSM can also have genuine mental health benefits. A 2016 study found that 91.4% of BDSM practitioners surveyed associated BDSM with relaxation or decreased stress most or nearly all of the time. Another survey from 2013 found that BDSM practitioners were less neurotic, more extroverted, less rejection sensitive, and had higher subjective well-being. BDSM provides opportunities to play, let go of our inhibitions, and explore new possibilities with ourselves and other people. With anything in life, when we fully submit to letting ourselves explore, our confidence is boosted because we allow ourselves just to be.

BDSM can also increase feelings of closeness if you’re in a relationship. A study from 2009 found that couples that engaged in positive, consensual BDSM and kink had lower levels of the harmful stress hormone cortisol and reported greater feelings of relationship closeness and intimacy after their play. 

Also, remember, for a BDSM scene to be fulfilling, we have to allow ourselves to be present. Being and feeling present can look so different for everyone, and everyone might have a different idea of what being present looks like — and that’s a wonderful thing. Find what helps you feel present in your body and do that. If you need your partner’s help, let them know and ask them what they need. 

BDSM Resources to Get Started

BDSM might feel out of reach or a bit anxiety-inducing to try, but it doesn’t need to be… “If you want to buy a formal latex and leather outfit, take a workshop training to build skills, and build a tricked-out full dungeon in your home, then, by all means, go for it! And if you and your lovers want to cover each other in sparkly stickers, bark, meow cutely, and feed each other bowls of rainbow frosting, then that’s great, too,” Dr. Neustifter says.

Again, this is about finding what you like — not getting it “right.” The only thing that must be “right” is the consent piece, understanding limits/boundaries, and respecting your partner(s). 

  • Kinkly.com has an entire dictionary of kink and BDSM definitions on the website that’s great for beginners.
  • Bound-Together covers the basics: communication, dominance, submission, research, and rope.
  • ​Loving BDSM is a BDSM couple with a blog, Instagram, and podcast. Their blog covers BDSM from a couple’s perspective with educational and personal essays.
  • Coffee And Kink Blog has educational, personal essays and opinion pieces.

BDSM Classes (Online + In-Person)

BDSM Social Media Accounts

BDSM Products to Try

This blog post is sponsored by Blush Global.